Welcome to the Dark side (of me)

Posted: August 23, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

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If you are looking for a “feel good” entry to brighten your day, I advise you stop reading..right now……
That said, allow me to begin by saying,
I’m a horrible person- sometimes.
Deep down, where it really counts, I am selfish, mean, angry, bitter and belligerent.
And sometimes, All this ugliness, it just comes out- all over the place..in my home,in public, on social media
Its never pretty and Its horribly messy.
So, if you think I’m “fake” guess what?
You can pat yourself on the back because, sometimes,
YOU ARE RIGHT!
For example, You know that thing about “loving your enemies?” How we are supposed to do good to those that we don’t like (or who don’t like us)
Well, I DON’T……(love them or even want to wish good on them..)
not yet at least. Sometimes I don’t even try. Its easier to hate them, after all.
Yes, I know its wrong..
Welcome to the dark side of me..
I have another confession to make (if you don’t already know)
I have not been exactly “on board” with the whole Ice Bucket Fad..
I do not think its “wrong”. (I have a heart, believe it or not, and feel for the people with this horrible disease!)
I don’t even oppose it because some ALS foundations use fetal stem cells in their research (which, btw, I don’t believe in)
But, This is what really really gets me about the ice bucket challenge;
It’s the simple stupidity of it’s “viral-ness.”
It disturbs me to see so many people following the herd (good cause or not) soo easily and blithely.
It bothers me that it seems to have become more about “self” than “service”;
more about “show” than helping…
I should not have to list more reasons.
Those should be enough.
But, I admit, it really truly got my panties in a tight little bunch..
So much so my husband and I have had full blown arguments about it.
(and I have to wonder if we are alone..?)
Its been horrible.
This day has been horrible.
I want to run screaming down the street and set the guys house on fire who “challenged” us..(ok, not really..lol)
But, honestly, I’ve been falling to pieces trying so hard to figure out why something so DUMB has pushed my negative button so hard..
I’ve been struggling with the thought that , once again, I’m actually just really evil…trying to be good..and failing..again and again and again..
Mind you, I NEVER do anything truly bad (yes,I’m going to build myself up here all “pious” like

I do not LIE to anyone. I do not cheat. I don’t do things I’m not supposed to do as a Christian..

But, inside, where it counts..I have this dark corner..and sometimes it grows really BIG and really DARK and I wallow in it..
I think and say things I don’t mean..
This corner has very little love.
Don’t come near me while I’m in it.

I will scratch your soul out and then curse it for good measure..

Its horrible..Its like that “Christian” song the teens loved for so long says;

“The secret side of me
I never let you see
I keep it caged
But I can’t control it
So stay away from me
The beast is ugly
I feel the rage
And I just can’t hold it
I feel it deep within,
It’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster!”
-Skillet

Yes, I know exactly how that feels.
(thank you song writers for just blurting out what all of us Wish we could just say and making it cool in the process..and yes, I’m jealous..)
Welcome to the Dark Side Of Me.
So, on a blog that is supposed to be all about my life AFTER redemption..all about GRACE and FORGIVENESS and LOVE..I’m going to take this one entry to be REAL and admit,
I’M NOT THERE YET
Honestly, I was a better liar than a “lover”
a better Pagan than a Christian…
As an Honest Christian (who I am now)
I feel… WEAK…
But, I Don’t regret being a Christian..
I DON’T REGRET what I have with my husband!!!
I just wish I could do it better..
and not say horrible things
and agree with him on everything
and want to please God (and not myself)
I WANT TO BE BETTER..
I hope wanting is enough..
because its all I have right now..

welcome to the dark side of me……

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